Just being honest.

This past week I have had this thought and this feeling to blog about it....I have been ignoring that feeling all week....but it is still there nagging at me. I'm not sure if I am meant to share this to help someone else or if it is for my own growth,  so here is goes.......

I really like to plan things. I like my to do list every day because I feel like I have some control over my day. I just love to plan everything!  This may drive Jeff insane sometimes, but that is who I am. Ever since I was little I would plan and day dream about my life. I had a list in my head of what I wanted to achieve.

 1. Finish my personal progress for young women's...Check
 2. Marry my prince charming in the temple....Double Check :)
 3. Be a stay at home mom......uuuuuuuh

I just love children. I have always felt that being a stay at home mom or just a mom is my calling in life. I feel I was put here to be that. After finding out that it will be hard for this goal to happen....because of health issues on my part..... devastated me. I just have no control over this and it is very hard for me to accept.  I have been so angry, jealous and doubting my self worth..... ugh! that sounds so horrible. But it is true. These past few months have been such a inner struggle for me to get rid of all these feelings.

 I have to admit....when someone does tell me there pregnant I am very happy for them...I really am, but there is always that pain in my gut when I hear it. It brings all these emotions and wanting. Yep that would be Jealousy.

So here I am today sharing this so I can move on from it.  These past couple of years have been hard. But I feel I need to move on and live my life. I feel I have been living the past 3 years longing for a child and having a pity party for my self on something I have no control of. I'm not really living. So I set some new goals for my self this year and I am going to enjoy my life with my husband. When we are blessed with a child it will be a answer to our prayers, but until then I need to figure out what god wants me to do now on this earth.

One of my goals is to continue to love all the children that are already in my life. Try to be a better Aunt and primary teacher because they are here and they need me now. I will also try to be a better wife, friend, daughter, grand daughter and sister....because they don't deserve to be around a angry, jealous person. :) So hello world! I'm here to live!

Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!
-Bob Marley